This last month has been hard. Some days, it's not so bad. I get busy with the grind of everyday life and the hollow that I feel in my heart, the emptiness left by Eli, is present but not preeminent in my mind. I would say this is most days. But sometimes, the ache in my heart for missing someone I didn't even know surprises me. I have felt so much peace that this experience is one that I need to have. I have felt so much love from my Savior and had so many powerful spiritual experiences, that I wouldn't change this experience. Yet knowing this and feeling this doesn't change the reality of the loss and the grief that goes with that loss. It is a complex tangle of emotions I feel, and I know that feeling these complex feelings is a blessing from the Lord that will ultimately shape me to be a better, more compassionate person. So, I let myself cry when I need to cry, and laugh when I need to laugh. I am reaching out to friends and talking about how I feel. I am finding scriptures and conference talks that help me feel the peace I need. Healing is not a linear progression, so I'm being patient with myself when I have a hard day and appreciating the many good days. I know I will learn so much from this experience, as I have already learned a lot. Below are a few things that have been very important to me.
Mourning with those who mourn: In the first few very difficult days and weeks, I had many people show up at my door. Some came with flowers, some with food, some with cards and other beautiful reminders. Every one who came touched my heart. Every hug given and every tear shed on our behalf has lifted my burden and helped soothe my aching heart. I have witnessed the power of the covenant to mourn with those who mourn. For me this hasn't come from any words anyone has said or any message anyone has shared. When others simply cry with me, it has made me feel like they are shouldering some of the sorrow I feel so that I have less I need to bear. It has reminded me that the Lord has not left me comfortless. Every single person who has reached out in any way has been a blessing. Someone said to me "There is nothing I can say to make this better." and I told her "You don't have to, just hugging and crying is enough." I have often felt helpless when a loved one is suffering because I want to be able to do something or say something to help, but there isn't anything I can do or say. I know now that when there is nothing else that can be done, feeling deeply enough to cry for someone else's pain can be enough.
Don't Judge: It has come into my mind so many times how important it is to be kind and avoid judging others because we have no idea what is in their hearts. There have been times I have felt so rude for avoiding people or outright ignoring a pregnant woman near me because I couldn't think of a single thing to say that wouldn't lead me to crying. Sometimes I can make small talk with the pregnant moms at preschool or church, and sometimes I have to avoid it. Some of them know what happened and some don't. I'm sure most of them have better things to do than worry about how I act, but I'm also sure that there are many ways my actions could be perceived that are totally wrong. Compounding the pain and sorrow of losing a baby, we have also been dealing with Liam's challenging behaviors (which some days seems almost as challenging to bear as the pain of losing a baby-and that is not to diminish how painful that is). So I have been at my limit a lot this past month and I've let my kids play more on the iPad while we wait for things in public. When I'm tempted to judge anyone's attitude or parenting strategies, I will forever remember how I have felt this past month and be kind.
What "Fine" Means: A lot of people ask how I'm doing and sometimes my response is "I'm fine". Sometimes this is true, I do feel fine, or even good. Sometimes, I say "I'm fine." because anything else will bring me to tears and I just don't want to cry in that moment. I appreciate those who I can cry with, and I appreciate those who help distract me by talking about anything else. I appreciate the 2 friends who on separate occassions asked me if I wanted to talk about it and the one time I did, and the other time I didn't. I appreciated their asking me, and being willing to listen and also respecting my needs. I will remember that it is important to let people know how I'm really feeling so they can be supportive. I will remember to let people share their feelings however and whenever they want.
It's the little things: The things that make me sad are sometimes surprising. I thought January 29, the one month mark would be a hard day, but it wasn't, I felt fine. I thought going to my post-partum check up would be fine, but it wasn't, it brought back a lot of emotions. Sometimes it's remembering I can do something that I couldn't do if I was pregnant. Sometimes it's remembering something I did when I was pregnant (that wasn't related to being pregnant) and it reminds me that I was pregnant but I'm not anymore. Sometimes it's thinking about future plans that are now altered. It's finding the "Big Brother" t-shirt that Liam wore but that Emmett won't get to wear. It's finding snacks in the cupboard I bought to eat when I was pregnant and hungry all the time. Sometimes these things make me really sad, and sometimes they don't. I will remember to be sensitive to what might trigger someone's sad memories. I will also remember that you can't know what will trigger someone's sad memory and be patient when someone says something that can seem insensitive.
Grief isn't rational: Lots of emotions aren't rational, especially when you add hormones to the mix! I like to think about why I am feeling the way I am (daughter of 2 psychologists here) but sometimes, it doesn't make perfect sense. I know things will get easier (things are getting easier), but when I'm having a hard day, it's hard to remember that because it feels endless. My mom always says "Our feelings are who we are", so I am remembering that how I feel is real, but it won't feel that way forever. I'm remembering that I can't change my feelings, but I can work through them, they don't have to control me.
There is so much good: Amidst the hard things, the tender mercies I have felt have been amazing. Having my parents here, having Spencer's mom here, and then feeling their love and support from afar has been such a blessing. I know we never outgrow needing our mom's, and I am grateful I have a mom and mother-in-law who I love and can rely on. Having friends who are near and far to talk to helps buoy me up as well. I had a Girl's Weekend planned in mid-January with 2 dear college friends that ended up being the perfect thing for me. Talking to friends who have lost babies as well has been especially sweet. It helps to know others know what I am experiencing. I will remember to be that friend or family member who is there to listen when a loved one is going through something hard.
My children sometimes add extra challenges to dealing with grief. I haven't been at my best some days, and especially with Liam's challenges I feel like I need to be at my best all the time. I hope I am showing them how to deal with hard times, and that even mom and dad have hard times. I have also loved their sweet, innocent thoughts about their brother. Emmett asked when the baby would be alive again because he wanted to feel the baby alive. Liam found a form we had filled out listing our children and their ages and he asked why we didn't list the baby on there. It comforts me to know that they honor his place in our family.
I have always appreciated Spencer's calm, sensitive nature, and I especially appreciate it now. I appreciate that he can listen to me and then just hug me when I'm sad rather than trying to fix it. I appreciate that he steps in to pick up where I fall short.
Most especially, I appreciate that peace can only come from the Savior. Below I am listing the scriptures and General Conference talks that have spoken the most peace to my heart.
"God Shall Wipe Away All Tears" I have read and reread this talk several times. I especially love the imagery of God wiping away all tears.
But If Not One of Spencer's favorite talks of all time.
Revelations 21:4~ And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
What "Fine" Means: A lot of people ask how I'm doing and sometimes my response is "I'm fine". Sometimes this is true, I do feel fine, or even good. Sometimes, I say "I'm fine." because anything else will bring me to tears and I just don't want to cry in that moment. I appreciate those who I can cry with, and I appreciate those who help distract me by talking about anything else. I appreciate the 2 friends who on separate occassions asked me if I wanted to talk about it and the one time I did, and the other time I didn't. I appreciated their asking me, and being willing to listen and also respecting my needs. I will remember that it is important to let people know how I'm really feeling so they can be supportive. I will remember to let people share their feelings however and whenever they want.
It's the little things: The things that make me sad are sometimes surprising. I thought January 29, the one month mark would be a hard day, but it wasn't, I felt fine. I thought going to my post-partum check up would be fine, but it wasn't, it brought back a lot of emotions. Sometimes it's remembering I can do something that I couldn't do if I was pregnant. Sometimes it's remembering something I did when I was pregnant (that wasn't related to being pregnant) and it reminds me that I was pregnant but I'm not anymore. Sometimes it's thinking about future plans that are now altered. It's finding the "Big Brother" t-shirt that Liam wore but that Emmett won't get to wear. It's finding snacks in the cupboard I bought to eat when I was pregnant and hungry all the time. Sometimes these things make me really sad, and sometimes they don't. I will remember to be sensitive to what might trigger someone's sad memories. I will also remember that you can't know what will trigger someone's sad memory and be patient when someone says something that can seem insensitive.
Grief isn't rational: Lots of emotions aren't rational, especially when you add hormones to the mix! I like to think about why I am feeling the way I am (daughter of 2 psychologists here) but sometimes, it doesn't make perfect sense. I know things will get easier (things are getting easier), but when I'm having a hard day, it's hard to remember that because it feels endless. My mom always says "Our feelings are who we are", so I am remembering that how I feel is real, but it won't feel that way forever. I'm remembering that I can't change my feelings, but I can work through them, they don't have to control me.
There is so much good: Amidst the hard things, the tender mercies I have felt have been amazing. Having my parents here, having Spencer's mom here, and then feeling their love and support from afar has been such a blessing. I know we never outgrow needing our mom's, and I am grateful I have a mom and mother-in-law who I love and can rely on. Having friends who are near and far to talk to helps buoy me up as well. I had a Girl's Weekend planned in mid-January with 2 dear college friends that ended up being the perfect thing for me. Talking to friends who have lost babies as well has been especially sweet. It helps to know others know what I am experiencing. I will remember to be that friend or family member who is there to listen when a loved one is going through something hard.
My children sometimes add extra challenges to dealing with grief. I haven't been at my best some days, and especially with Liam's challenges I feel like I need to be at my best all the time. I hope I am showing them how to deal with hard times, and that even mom and dad have hard times. I have also loved their sweet, innocent thoughts about their brother. Emmett asked when the baby would be alive again because he wanted to feel the baby alive. Liam found a form we had filled out listing our children and their ages and he asked why we didn't list the baby on there. It comforts me to know that they honor his place in our family.
This sweet boy's smile brings me so much joy! He is a delightful 3 year old.
Most especially, I appreciate that peace can only come from the Savior. Below I am listing the scriptures and General Conference talks that have spoken the most peace to my heart.
"God Shall Wipe Away All Tears" I have read and reread this talk several times. I especially love the imagery of God wiping away all tears.
But If Not One of Spencer's favorite talks of all time.
Revelations 21:4~ And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
1 comment:
Dearest Julia,
You have not aged a day and you have grown even more beautiful than when I lived next door to you in the BYU Glory days. How do you manage this being a mama?
Your words inspire as they comfort. I am so sorry for your loss, honey. I am so sorry. I have no words, just lots of e-hugs and kisses. And also much respect. Sharing griefs take a lot of courage and grace. I admire your courage and your grace. Writing and READING about your loss is important. Your family's story is important. None of us can go through life untouched by staggering loss and sharing in another's sorrow, reading a friend's candid thoughts about losing her baby-- this makes us more kind, more sensitive, more aware and more like Jesus. I see the light of Christ in your post here. I see you love and faith in Jesus and the scriptures you quote about Jesus wiping ALL the tears away take on a new meaning because I feel your tears.
I have nothing to offer accept a book that I read recently that made me laugh: The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle. Have you read it? I never would have except my aunt told me "It's SATIRE." Sometimes some dry humor is just the thing.
Your Suite Mate from long ago,
Amy
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