"We Have 4 Kids, but You Can't See One"

It has been 8 months.  We buried Eli over 3 months ago.  He would have been over 3 months old. It almost feels like a dream, but I am grounded by the memorial in the cemetery where he is buried, because he had a body.  And that's the thing about pregnancy loss that is so profoundly affecting: holding my baby who died before birth is something I can never forget.  Birth and death are supposed to be the book ends of our lives, but what happens when death comes before birth? I don't have answers, but I am at peace with that.  It is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life, but not in a tragic way; it will linger in the shadows of my mind and surface at odd times: like the dream I recently had where we had a baby boy and then suddenly he wasn't there anymore and we were searching the hospital because I knew we had a baby, but he was gone.  I am at peace, I am happy.  I know that the Lord is there and He loves me and there are answers to this that will someday make sense.  But still, there was a baby, and now he is gone.

"We have 4 kids, but you can't see one, because he died."  This is something my children say all the time, to me and to their friends.  It is just a fact to them and something they share simply, because they are children and don't yet understand the discomfort we feel about death.  There are no tears shed, just smiles and hugs, and I really like that.  It's an attitude I hope to adopt, but for now it is too tender for me to share so easily with just anyone. Yet out of all this, the lesson I hope my children keep close to them always is that there are hard, unexplainable things that happen in life, but there are also miracles to remind us that God knows and understands.  I hope they retain that sweet faith when they ask where Eli is and I say "I don't know, but I know Heavenly Father knows." and it is enough, because sometimes, it is enough to know that a loving Father knows all.  "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."~ Alma 32:21

It has been 8 months and life feels very normal though much different than we thought.  I ran a 10k, have taken a painting class, took an epic family road trip, took a last minute road trip to see the total solar eclipse, and we are enjoying our bigger kids.  All things that would probably not have happened with a baby in tow and while that brings a little sadness, I can't go back and change what happened so all I can do is move ahead and enjoy what life is. It's been 8 months, and things are good, but it won't ever go away.  Our family will move forward and enjoy our life and always remember the one we can't see.

memorial to honor babies, next to where Eli is buried