Becoming the Mother I Never Expected: In Which I Get Personal

I'm a mom with a 6 year old on Ritalin.

I've seen many articles across the Internet- from mommy blogs, to psychology blogs to the New York Times, Washington Post, and Huffington Post-about the problem of over prescription of medication and over diagnosis of young children with behavioral disorders.  Certainly the rise of kids receiving diagnoses and being medicated leads people to wonder "Why?" and search for causes.  There are many books and articles dedicated to discovering the answers and suggest culprits such as increased media use, over structured kids, not enough play time, too much sitting in class, lax parenting, punitive parenting, and the list goes on.  I don't have an answer to these questions, but I do know that everyone's experiences are different, especially when it comes to behavioral disorders and so I want to share our story as well.

These myriad articles have been painful for me to read at times because the underlying message is what I have struggled with for the past 6 years: that somehow, I -or we, Spencer and I- are to blame for Liam's behaviors and if I (we) did things the "right way", we could have it under control. Of course we read lots of books and articles searching for things we could do to fix the various problems we had.  I like to fix problems and so it drove me crazy that I couldn't figure out the solution.  My parents and Spencer's mom collectively have nearly a century of professional experience working with challenging kids and we had their help brainstorming strategies to help us through every stage.  All these resources have helped us to create our "behavioral toolbox" of strategies to use.  This includes: timers, morning/afternoon routines with visual reminders, calm down techniques, various reward systems, phrases to use or not use and when to use or not use them.  These techniques have been vital to helping us survive these past 6 years, but despite our best efforts some things seemed to get worse rather than better.  It seemed as though the authors's suggested solutions lay in following their strategies with 100% consistency and perfection-which, of course is unrealistic.  I knew the Lord didn't expect me to be a perfect mother, but I often felt like Liam needed one.  I would tell Spencer: "I feel like I'm doing my best and it's just not good enough!"

It was difficult because I felt like my job as a mother was to know how to fix whatever problem needed fixing, and it was painful to watch my young child in so much distress and not know how to fix it.  Liam would have these huge, over the top meltdowns that would last for upwards of half an hour and involve lots of throwing, kicking, hitting and biting-all because I told him what we were having for dinner and it wasn't what he wanted (or it was time to get dressed or some similarly minor issue).  It was the kind of behavior that looked like it came from a spoiled child whose parents always gave in.  But we didn't.  For years we explained it as "terrible two's", then 3's, then 4's-and it just kept getting worse despite our consistency with rules, limits and routines.  The tantrums would throw off the entire household because I couldn't pay attention to anything but Liam, and he just had to rage it out.  It was emotionally and physically draining.  It was clear Liam didn't like feeling the way he did and he seemed to resent that I couldn't fix it-and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to!  He also has some impulsivity and distractibility that made it hard for him to follow directions so I felt like I was always nagging him "just put your shoes on and get in the car" or "stay by me".  It felt like our whole relationship was based on negativity.  I felt isolated too because it was a hard thing to share with people, who I felt like either thought I was exaggerating (Liam does pretty well in public most of the time because of our strategies or I wouldn't take him places if I thought it might trigger a meltdown) or wondered what I had done wrong to develop behavior problems.  It was not bad all the time, so I hope this doesn't paint a picture of despair.  Liam is a really fun kid with a lot of great ideas and wonderful qualities, so we had a lot of great times together too.

Finally, at Liam's 5 year Well Child visit I talked to his pediatrician about seeing a professional.  I was so grateful that he was supportive and encouraging when I felt so judgmental of myself.  But even after we took the first step of seeing a professional, it was still a long, frustrating process with not a lot of answers.  The various doctors we saw agreed that Liam's behavior was neurobiological in origin, but they couldn't agree on the exact cause or give us any new ideas we hadn't already been doing.  It is difficult to diagnose young children because there are so many overlapping behaviors and it's not clear what the true underlying cause is.  We were not pushing for a diagnosis, but we knew that the status quo was not sustainable and something had to change.  It was hard for Liam and the whole family.  It was hard to watch him struggle and it was hard to endure the ramifications it had through our family.  Shortly after Liam turned 6, we agreed with the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner that a trial of Ritalin would be a reasonable next step.  She told us it would either work immediately or it would make things 10 times worse, but the medication only lasts 4 hours and then is completely out of the bloodstream, so we decided to try it.

It was not an easy decision to make, but I feel like this medication is literally an answer to our prayers, so I know we made the right choice.  Several times throughout the day I want to cry in gratitude that such a medication exists and works for Liam!  He is Liam at his best: happy, sweet, cooperative, helpful, peaceful, in control.  If you ask him about his medicine, he will tell you that it helps him stay in control and I know he is pleased it works.  When I go to see him at school, he is excited and happy rather than anxious and timid.  It doesn't solve all of our problems, but it helps all the other things we were doing to be effective.  For example, Liam does best with a pretty strict morning routine, but before the medicine it still left us stressed at the last minute getting him to just put his shoes on and make it to the bus, where on the medicine I ask him to do it and he just does it.

All this is not to say that everyone should medicate their child who has behavior problems, but it is to show that medication has a valuable place and is really beneficial when agreed upon by the parents and medical professionals working with the child.  Many articles that oppose medication and diagnoses in children further alienate an already stigmatized group.  You can't tell from just watching a child what they are capable of learning and what is beyond their biological ability.  There are not widely used definitive medical tests to prove what is going on in the brains of children with behavioral disorders, so it's hard to tell how much is biologically based verses environmental.  Looking back, I can see behavior patterns that emerged in the first days of Liam's life that are consistent with later problems that developed (he has always had a hard time transitioning and regulating mood states), but of course it's only looking back that this has any relevance.  He also has had a very limited media "diet", I don't over schedule him, I allow plenty of free, active play, and he eats a very healthy diet.  My intent is to be an example of why we should trust in other parents decisions rather than being judgmental.  I want to be open with Liam and other's about our experience because I don't want him to feel ashamed of his weaknesses. I want him to know that he is a creative, smart, fun, sweet, and amazing little boy with lots of great things in store, but he is going to have to work a little bit harder than some to stay organized and handle frustration.  I am SO thankful that there is medication available for him to make it easier to work through his weaknesses. Parenting Liam has exposed me to many of my own weaknesses as well, and it has helped me to learn to be patient with myself and trust in the Lord as I work to overcome them.

"...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." ~Ether 12:27